Last Updated on May 21, 2023 by Palessa
Unless you’ve lived a Happy Feet existence somewhere with polar bears, you’ll have heard of Grigori Rasputin. He was a trusted advisor to Tsar Nicholas II and Tsarina Alexandra after “treating” their son Alexei. He’s a mysterious figure, the holy lothario who’s the subject of much speculation, which makes him ripe for authors and writers.
But did you know that his hefty schlong has its own story?
Pull up a chair, and let’s take a trip back in time.
History has a lot to say about the supposedly hard-to-kill mystic Grigori Rasputin, but the stories about his schlong, however, seem to have a life of their own. While he was alive, the Holy Devil, as he was called, was known for his sexual escapades with plenty of willing partners, thanks to the favor of the Romanovs.
Then came his murder, their murder, the Revolution, and many other historical events that would reshape Russia and the world. Rasputin’s name polarized many as some saw him as either a peasant who “made it” or a curse on the aristocracy. Either way, his name was more of a whisper until the roaring twenties. Then, there was a salacious rumor about Rasputin’s penis that his daughter couldn’t ignore.
It could have died there, but in 1994, an American collector claimed to have found Rasputin’s dismembered member among auction winnings. From then on, the mystery deepened until Professor Igor Knyazkin made Rasputin’s dismembered member the centerpiece of his Museum of Russian Erotica in St. Petersburg.
From Russia to Paris to LA and then back to Russia, Rasputin’s schlong certainly has been around!
Or has it?
The Faux Monk’s Brush with Royalty
As a teenager, Rasputin led a somewhat monastic life, living at the Verkhoturye monastery for three months but never taking the holy vows to become a full-fledged monk.
During the years that followed, he became aware of the Khristovchina, also called the Khlysty, a sect that eschewed the traditional religious practices of the Russian Orthodox Church. Instead of venerating saints and studying a holy book, they sought to achieve divine grace by engaging in sinful acts, such as sexual orgies and debauchery.
By 1889, he married a fellow peasant, a servant girl named Praskovya Fyodorovna Dubrovina, with whom he would have three children: Dmitri, Matryona (known as Maria), and Varvara. More than a decade later, he left his family to become a pilgrim, traveling to the Mediterranean, particularly Greece, and Jerusalem.
How else could you achieve God’s favor but by getting drunk regularly and having as much sex as possible, in no particular order?
When he returned to Russia, he had the opportunity to share his mystic healing ways and means with the aristocracy. In 1905, he crossed paths with Tsarina Alexandra, who sought medical help for her hemophiliac son, Tsarevich Alexei. Rasputin filled that void and became the trusted advisor to the Romanovs, giving him access to power, influence, and women.
The Death of Rasputin
While there was never any formal acknowledgment of his membership to the Khlysty, his behavior outside of court left few doubts. His debauchery and womanizing raised eyebrows among the elite, who thought it wasn’t how a holy man would behave. Of his infidelities, his wife reported commented that her husband “…has enough for all.”
For some, it was too much.
Prince Felix Yusupov, nephew-in-law to the Romanovs, and other high society co-conspirators, including Dr. Stanislaus Lazovert, hatched a plot that would go down in history for being ambitious.
In December 1916, they lured Rasputin to Yusupov’s Moika Palace. There they fed him poisoned cakes and wine, shot him multiple times, and dumped his body in the frigid Malaya Nevka River.
However, this account of his murder isn’t wholly accurate.
“Dr. Lazovert put on rubber gloves and took out the crystals of cyanide of potassium. He crushed them, and, having removed the upper layers from the chocolate cakes, sprinkled. each of them with a strong dose of poison, afterwards replacing the tops.”
By his account, Rasputin seemed unaffected by the cyanide, despite the heavy dosage. This observation raised the eyebrows of Frederick Dillon, who posted his postulation in the British Journal of Medicine in June 1934.
“We are given to understand that the poison used was cyanide of potassium, and the problem of particular medical interest arises when we consider how it can have happened in this case that the attempt was ineffective, as it is a well-known fact that potassium cyanide is one of the deadliest of poisons, and is stated to have been administered to Rasputin in doses many times exceeding the fatal dose, both through the medium of chocolate cakes and in wine.”
Cyanide is considered a fast-acting poison.
It prevents cells from using oxygen properly, leading to cell death. Enough of these critical cells die, and the human dies in minutes.
Rasputin’s supposed immunity to potassium cyanide is extremely unlikely, which led the medic to a simple conclusion:
“Probably, however, the real explanation is that Rasputin never received the poison at all. There seems to be no doubt that he swallowed some substance assumed to be cyanide of potassium, but by far the most likely solution of the mystery is that the powder, whatever its nature, was not what it purported to be.”
In his autopsy notes, Professor Kossorotov indicated no poison in Rasputin’s stomach contents. In response, some speculated that the baking process neutralized the poison.
Okay, but what about the wine?
When all other paths fail, look towards a simpler answer, Watson.
Stanislaus Lazovert escaped from Russia, settling in the UK and the US. Before dying in 1976, he admitted that his conscience and the Hippocratic oath got the better of him. So he didn’t poison Rasputin as planned but laced the food and drink with some other non-lethal substance.
And there you have it. He wasn’t poisoned after all. That part of the story is false.
So, Rasputin’s cause of death was a single shot to the head, and the autopsy showed no other anomalies in his body. Nevertheless, Yusupov was arrested for the murder, and the mystic was given a funeral by the Tsarina, who, with her family, would face a similar fate in 1918.
The Legend of Rasputin’s Penis
Nothing gives a story a fast rep than mentioning genitalia, especially if it belongs to one of the most villainized figures in human history. But, you know what would be more scandalous? If the supposed ‘member’ winds up in the hands of his daughter.
Talk about that particular ick factor.
To show the world that her father wasn’t the devil everyone thought he was, she authored a few books and even openly disputed Yusupov’s claims about the circumstances of Rasputin’s murder.
In 1920’s Paris, a rumor bubbled. Russian émigrées—aristocratic Russian women who fled to many parts of Europe to escape the Bolshevik Revolution—claimed to have acquired Rasputin’s penis. Their cult venerated it, breaking off pieces to give to disciples.
To preserve her father’s dear memory, Maria found these women and confiscated the so-called relic.
Eventually, she made it to the US, settling in a part of Los Angeles known for having many Russian émigrés.
More than 15 years after her death, an American collector named Michael Augustine made a special purchase. He bought a storage locker containing items that once belonged to Maria Rasputin. It included items such as her manuscripts and the once-venerated penis of Rasputin.
However, tests of the object later revealed that the repossessed relic wasn’t a phallus after all.
It was a desiccated sea cucumber.
Fast forward a dozen years later.
Dr. Igor Knyazkin, chief of prostate research at the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, opened his Museum of Russian Erotica. One of its major attractions: A room dedicated to the legend of Rasputin and a jar with his foot-long penis.
So, is it real?
That depends on what you mean by real.
Is it a real penis?
As a physician, Dr. Knyazkin would know what a penis looks like. He would also have enough pride and common sense not to fake it. So the answer to this would be close to yes.
Is it a human penis?
That’s fuzzier because while it could be a real penis, it could belong to a different man or an animal. So the answer to this would be a definite maybe.
Is it Rasputin’s penis?
Based on logistics alone, my feet are skidding toward a definite no.
We writers love making our male love leads well-endowed. But a 12-inch penis is more trouble for the man than fun.
For one thing, he would have painful erections (think about that for a second) and sexual issues. He wouldn’t be doing constant orgies and “servicing” devotees as Rasputin was said to do.
When you consider the documentation, it’s still unsurprising that this phallus isn’t his.
Remember, Rasputin’s autopsy showed nothing unusual. So if the rumor that his murderers dismembered him were true, the coroner would have noted a missing penis in his reports, right?
Additionally, the circumstances of his death were more about dispatching the threat quickly than taking the time to mutilate and dismember him.
It was cold.
He was dead.
There was a river.
There you go!
It’s possible. But again, when, where, how, why…
There are too many questions and too many variables in play to make this theory likely.
This part of the mystery will be solved only if some DNA results are part of the piece’s provenance. But, if you remember your history, Rasputin’s body was disinterred, cremated via bonfire, and his ashes scattered in an unknown location.
Final Thoughts on the Myth of Rasputin’s Schlong
Who doesn’t love a titillating mystery, even if it’s more miss than history?
The story of Rasputin and “his” mysterious traveling dick is both and then some. It proved that he was just a charismatic man with a Svengali-like hold on one of the most powerful monarchies in history.
Whether he was well-endowed or as shriveled as a dried sea cucumber, those who know aren’t telling.
At the end of the day, Rasputin was more than likely buried whole. Beaten and shot, but whole.
The myth of his member will live on thanks to a little museum in St. Petersburg that knew how to play up a dead man’s package.
Now, that’s good marketing!
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